Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Remembering Lot's Wife

I wrote this in January. I never finished it either. Enjoy.

I was depressed.
I was very depressed.
For so long, my life had been a goal of moving forward. Well, I finally moved forward. I found myself in a better place than I have been in a VERY long time.

My understanding, however, had yet to make similar progress.
I wanted a reward. I expected life to become somewhat easier for me.
I found myself pining for lost loves, for exes now married, and wondering what would have or could have happened had I been able to commit.
I found myself unhappy with my life, and wondering why I had made so many poor decisions that seemed, outwardly, to have hampered my growth.

Then, an old friend brought me to this talk - Faith is for the Future: "Remember Lot's Wife" by Jeffrey R. Holland.

I was touched and inspired. I shared it with everyone that I could. I printed it out and passed it out to those I home-taught. I shared it with everyone I could.

I was done looking back.

What am I living for?

This is an interesting post. I wrote it a very long time ago, but I still remember what I wanted to say. I can't recapture the emotion that I felt, but I will try and share some ideas that I have had on the matter.

A good friend of mine said to me the following:

"Lately, I have been wondering what I am living for. But not in a suicidal way"

And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

"What am I living for?" the more the question resonates within me the more my echoing emptiness exaggerates its poignant message.

I don't have a reason.

Sports? I realized that many people LIVE for the coming season, for another chance at redemption. We love sports because they are, relatively, clean and wholesome recreational activities.

Television? A new comedy? A new season? Something worth waiting for.

But no... those don't mean anything to me.

I spent around six months pondering this message until I found an answer. I was living for "love".

I want a family. I want love in my life. I want to find someone to share my life with. I was moving forward for this goal.

But I don't know if that answer is true anymore.

I don't know why I wake up in the morning. More and more the wandering souls of the world seem more found than lost. Perhaps the panhandler has a greater understanding of life than the desk jockey.

Life is to be lived! Why not travel the world and spend your days playing in the sun?

And yet, here I am, unable or unwilling to leave my current situation.
I must believe in something to stay here.

Once again I am drawn back to the fact that I intend to have a family and want to be in the best place possible to provide for them.

I don't know.

Maybe one day it will be too much and I will travel.

I want an answer. I want to know why I get up in the morning.

I do not know.